I love going to the movies. I like the popcorn, the Diet Coke and the possibility of an ice cream. I like being swept away by a super duper story on screen. If I could, I would go to the movies every week. But there's a problem. Hollywood does not make enough of the movies that I want to watch. I'll tell you what I don't want. I don't want to watch somber, deeply moving, intellectually stimulating, profound movies that are making a statement about the universe which are so incredibly complex ( and boring) that you need a dictionary, a thesaurus, and Stephen Hawking's brain to understand them. I also don't want to watch a movie where everybody is being chased by tanks/aliens/gangsters/ mercenaries/assassins /sex offenders/psychopathic killers. Or a movie where every second word starts with F and rhymes with Luck. Or where everybody is either watching pole dancing strippers OR engaging in pole dancing stripper acts. I also despise movies with animals. With that in mind, here's my letter to Hollywood,
Dear Hollywood, I wish you would make more of the movies I want to watch. Movies with:
1. Romance - Two people meet, sparks fly, they overcome some minor obstacles. Eg. of such obstacles could be...in 'Kate and Leopold' the always hot Hugh Jackman is the very lost English baron time traveller who ends up in modern day New York, oh no, how will he and Meg Ryan's love ever survive?! Or true love must overcome distance and grief like in 'Sleepless in Seattle.' Or internet love like in 'You've got Mail.' IF on the other hand one person in the relationship is a ghost and trying to sabotage the other person's new relationship, that's NOT a minor obstacle. It's just dumb. (Especially if it has Eva Longoria starring in it, 'Over her Dead Body.') Ugh.
While said couple are overcoming obstacles, they hold hands, kiss, maybe get to second or third base and then they live happily ever after. Hollywood please take notes. That means, I don't want to see people trying every position in the Kama Sutra. Or trying to get it on in 101 different places. Romance is about the long gazes, the possibilities, the anticipation, the breathless inner debates of ..'will she or won't she?'
2.It goes without saying that a great romance must have a delectably great male lead. Not some pip-squeak adolescent who looks like Justin Bieber. Save them for the Mickey Mouse club followers. No, a great romance needs men of substance. Channing Tatum abs (and dance moves), Gerard Butler swag, Ryan Reynolds perfection, Chris Hemsworth chiselled-ness, Colin Firth restrained amazingness, Tom Cruise magnificence, Jason Momoa's swarthy sultriness, Hugh Jackman's Wolverine 'bad boy'ferocity. And the list goes on.
3. Finally, a decent movie must have a happy, feel-good ending. Please note, a love story where one person develops Alzheimers? Is NOT a happy ending. (Damn you Notebook.) A love story where the beautiful Richard Gere dies in the end is a miserable love story. (I sure as hell don't want to spend any of my nights in Rodanthe.) So is a girl-power movie where they drive off a cliff at the end. (Thelma and Louise, are you there? No, you're not. Why? Because you're both dead.) Why is it so difficult for Hollywood to understand what a 'happy ending' really is?
Some hints. Happy endings are where the beautiful Richard Gere drives off into the sunset with Julia Roberts Cinderella. (So what if it's an impossible story about a prostitute who falls in love with a somewhat nasty businessman. If you wanted feminist theory, you wouldn't have been watching a movie entitled Pretty Woman.) Happy endings are where the Bridget Jones 'fat chick' keeps a diary and gets to live happily ever after with Colin Firth - even after he catches her wearing her thunder granny undies. Or where Sandra Bullock gets hitched to Ryan Reynolds in 'The Proposal' even after she's been an incredible witch to him. Happy endings are where everybody's happy except for the nasty beautiful girl who tried to thwart true love with Richard and Colin and Hugh and Channing...
Shallowly, enthusiastically, chick-flickly yours,
Me