The Hot Man has been avidly watching the TV series “The Walking Dead.” So have I. I shut my eyes most of the time but I have this horrible fascination with a show that tells us in gory detail, what happens when the world is taken over by flesh eating zombies. I hate it but I have to watch it. Because I’m doing research. Because this could TOTALLY happen. And when it does, I want to be ready.
We Mormons are food and water hoarders. We are taught that every family must have a good supply of essentials for emergencies. (Like when you’ve spent half the food budget on a new dress and you don’t want the family to be forced to eat grass. That’s a dire emergency. Bust open the canned goods soldiers.) I love the principle of food storage. It’s just another confirmation for me that I must belong to a true church because it wants us to be practically prepared for anything and everything. Including the Zombie Apocalypse. (Okay, the Prophet never said to store food because of zombies, but I’m a clever woman and can fill in the significant gaps.)
Which is why, one Sunday in a lesson about ‘Principles of Effective Food Storage’ when the teacher asked, What else should we have in our storage? I waved my hand, eagerly. Yes, Sister Young?
“Lots of guns. And lots and lots of bullets.”
There was a silence. The kind that reeked of shock, overlaid with embarrassment. The teacher smiled at me kindly. Like you do at a small child who just said a bad word by accident. Um, and why would we need guns in our storage for?
Duh. Isn’t it obvious? “Because when the world falls apart, not everyone will have food storage. They will be desperate for stuff and they're going to do everything they can to steal your supplies. It's going to be a mad war zone out there. You need guns."
There was more silence. The heavily disapproving kind. The teacher didn't smile. "Sister Young, I'm sure that in a time of great disaster, we will be willing to share with those less fortunate than us because in such times, it's more important than ever to be charitable and loving."
Flame, crash and burn Lani...I shut up. But I'm sorry to say that I was unconvinced by the teacher's loving logic. Clearly she's not aware of the possibility of the Zombie Apocalypse. And she hasn't seen the vicious pushing and shoving that occurs when there's only one tray of brownies left at a crowded church dinner...
I'm not giving up on the guns. I'm selfish, cruel and uncharitable. Me and my canned goods are going straight to hell.
I hope they let me take my guns.