Every parent should have the opportunity to spend three weeks teaching their own son in high school. Because when you do, you might -
1. Witness your son’s baffled observations after Day 3 – “Mum, everyone says that you’re so cool. They want you to be their English teacher forever….i don’t get it?”
2. Check out the girl that was the object of your teenager’s affections last year. The one whose name you would find scrawled on bits of paper in his shirt pocket when you did the laundry. And then you see her in person and talk to her and read her essays and you wonder, ‘what the hell does my son see in this chick?!’
3. And then you find yourself analyzing all the other girls in his class with the critical eye of a marriage broker. Hmmm…not THAT screeching loud one who keeps hanging on to every boy….and DEFINITELY not THAT one who’s wearing skimpy shorts and a boob top to mufti day……now why can’t he have a crush on THAT one? She’s smart, humble, quiet, mildly shy and unassuming. And look at THAT lovely girl who always stays behind to clean the classroom, obviously hard working and not in a rush to keep up with the clique of flimsy floozies! There's something to be said for arranged marriages...
4. Get more exercise then you wanted. Walking up stairs. Down stairs. Up corridors. Down corridors. Sweat. Sweat. Curse. Curse. Why in heck does english get exiled alllllll the way to opposite ends of the school?
5. Get the chance to see your son take part in a intellectually stimulating debate and realize with a gut punch of awe-ful dread...that he's tall. Handsome. Articulate. Intelligent. And the entire class goes quiet when he takes the floor. And he can expound and execute oratorical leaps and swirls that leave one reeling. And you think, damn, he's good. Who's kid is THAT? I never see THAT kid at home!
6. Seize the sex-education day and teach a lesson on HIV awareness so they can write a letter about the importance of safe sex and abstinence. Using three packets of MnM's.(candy still in a wrapper versus candy passed from sweaty hand to sweaty hand, versus candy wrapped in piece of plastic and passed from sweaty hand to sweaty hand. Now, WHICH candy would you rather have? WHICH candy would you like to BE!?) And knock those all-knowing teens socks off when you throw out words like..condom, penis, monogamy, sex, sex, sex. And a 15 yr old girl will ask you
( worriedly) 'Miss, how come condoms ARENT 100% safe? How do they come off accidentally?!' And your son will be sitting there horrified, wondering if he's died and gone to a hell where mothers get to chat to alllll your friends about sex. Horror which will be slightly alleviated when everyone tells him (AGAIN) how rockin' awesome his mum is. (Ha. Thats right. Im cool! yaaaaay!)
7. Experience driving home with your kids after school and being able to engage in conversation where you know ALL the kids that they're talking about. And ALL the latest news on who's dating who - because you've already seen them in the halls and heard the teachers complain about them in the staffroom. And you can listen to your child complain, laugh, joke, and ruminate on high school - and TOTALLY know what they're going through. Cause you were there too.
8. Did I mention that you could be given compliments every day about your 'coolness'? Get kids to role play, do a bit of drama, a touch of Shakespeare, play scattergories, spelling games, and oversee tons of rowdy debates...and you too can be the coolest teacher to hit town. (oh, it helps if you give out MnM's too)
Well, I've got one more week to go.Then it's back to being a fulltime mother who writes, packs house, cooks, cleans, avoids making her bed, blogs, runs, and watches pot plants die. Thank goodness. I dont think I have enough energy to be this cool for much longer.